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Bi Bi, Love

Before we get started down this yellow brick road of a discussion, where I’ll (hopefully) find a brain — and a heart — I feel it necessary to preface my latest blog with a warning: It may piss someone off.

Now, if you know me, not only should you consider yourself very lucky, but you’re well aware of the fact that when it comes to caring what people think, I don’t. That’s right: If I happen to piss you off for any given reason, I don’t give a fuck.

Except, I kind of do.

Fine, that’s not exactly true, either. What I’m trying to get across, and maybe not so well, is that I’m not a malicious person. I never go out of my way to offend someone or hurt their feelings. However, if a person gets upset due to the fact that I’m just being me — that’s on them. I’m not trying to impress or please anyone.

And I’m pretty sure I’m succeeding.

Okay, back on track — I think. Bottom line: I’m an extremely nice person, and I’m not writing this to start a war. These are simply my thoughts (yes, I do have some from time to time), and I’d like to explore them further.

First, let’s chat about one of my favorite hobbies: eating.

Now, when you go to McDonald’s (as you all should), do you tend to order nuggets? Or, do you go for the warm apple pie? Maybe you enjoy both. Me? I’m a two double cheeseburgers, chicken sandwich, large fry, hot fudge sundae kinda guy. Perhaps you don’t even like Mcdonald’s. Maybe you prefer Burger King?

Now, let’s talk about sex . . . baby. (Sorry, I had to). When it comes to sex, who would you rather sleep with: a man or a woman? Perhaps it depends on your mood, the day, what kind of underwear you’re wearing (for those of you who wear it), or the person in question. Because, yes, for some, sex has nothing to do with a man or a woman.

I don’t understand these people.

Don’t freak out — allow me to explain. Hmmm . . . I don’t understand these people. That’s all I got.

Not really. I’ll continue.

Yes, bisexuality exists — it’s a thing. In fact, several types of sexuality exist. Today, we have choices. From McDonald’s and Burger King, to hot dogs and biscuits, we live during a time where we can pretty much do what we want, when we want.

And how wonderful that notion is, right? After all, food cravings change regularly, but does that also mean sexual cravings can change, too? Is it possible to want to spend Friday night with a female companion, only to hunger for a little bit of male company on Saturday? Dare I even say that in a world where “hot” is often defined as “big boobs” or “six-pack abs,” are there trendsetters out there who couldn’t care less about perfect teeth, dick size, or slim figures?

Simply put, can you solely be attracted to a person’s personality . . . and nothing else?

I do have to admit (yes, this is my opinion and a gross generalization, but how I feel on the matter): I believe some men consider themselves bisexual to avoid accepting that they’re really gay. As for bisexual girls? Well, beats me. You’re on your own. Of course, if you’re not comfortable or ready to reveal you’re gay, then you shouldn’t. Everyone is on their own, individual path. Yet, personally, I struggle to understand — this is going to get vulgar-ish, and I apologize in advance — how a man (or woman) can want penis one night, and a vagina the next.

I took Human Anatomy and Physiology my senior year of high school. And while I didn’t pass the class with flying colors (it’s actually safe to say I outright failed it), I did happen to grasp the simple concept that boys and girls are born with two very different body parts.

There is a slight chance that when it comes to bisexuality, I’m biased. You see, I’ve been burned by the guy who claims to like both men and women . . . more than once.

A few years back, I went on several dates with this guy — we’ll just call him “Green Eggs and Ham.” He was nice, fun to be around, and just okay in bed. Yet, things between us came to a screeching halt after he told me he was a “bi guy.” In all honesty, he may have been turned off by the fact that I’d lost myself in too many Fireball shots and several craft beers, slipped off my barstool, and had to be carried to my Uber. I doubt it, though. And, in my defense, I’d only decided to drink my dinner that night after he’d shared his news.

But I digress.

For me, the main issue or complication seems to be as clear as day (not the day I was chugging Fireball straight from the bottle and double-fisting large craft beers): How can I compete with a woman? I can’t. If a man is attracted to both men and women, he’s always going to want or be tempted by something I don’t have; he’ll never be content. Specifically, what’s to stop him from seeing a woman with three tits, before suddenly coming to the conclusion that he’s off “D” and wants the “V?”

When Green Eggs and Ham admitted to being interested in both sexes, I took it as him wanting to have his cake and eat it, too. It just so happens that I’m particularly careful who I share my cake with. Well, for the most part. And, by the way, I never saw Green Eggs and Ham again.

It’s not as simple as choosing nuggets or pie — not to me, anyway. So, I’ll repeat: I don’t understand those people who say sex has nothing to do with a man or a woman. But, recently, a good friend of mine reminded me of a small detail I hadn’t yet considered: I don’t have to understand these people.

My friend was completely correct.

After all, how many people out there don’t understand that I’d prefer to sleep with Mario Lopez over Jennifer Lopez? Actually, it’s a hard pass on both, but you get the big picture. In this world, we get to make our own rules. There is no right or wrong. When it comes to our bodies, our needs, our desires . . . we are in control, and we don’t have to explain ourselves or our decisions.

Though I have personally chosen to avoid bisexual men about as much as I avoid going to the gym, I can’t help but wonder: Perhaps I’m cutting myself off to what could be a great experience. In the end, regardless of the context (sex, politics, a vegan lifestyle), maybe we could all learn a thing or two by broadening our horizons.


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