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Why Brie Larson and Justin Bieber won’t Read The Next Victim

There’s a reason as to why celebrities such as Brie Larson, Justin Bieber, Bruce Springsteen, and Jimmy Fallon haven’t read my debut novel, The Next Victim; this reason is rather interesting. Okay, it’s only mildly interesting. Fine, you got me! It’s not interesting at all!

They haven’t read my book, because they don’t know it exists. And perhaps one of the aforementioned celebs hasn’t read my book, because he/she doesn’t know how to read. I mean, have you ever seen J-Man with a book in his hands? I didn’t think so.

Come to think of it, how do celebrities (the ones who do know how to read) choose a book? I’m about one hundred percent sure that if the likes of Michael Phelps or Chris Hemsworth were photographed with TNV, it would become a New York Times bestseller almost instantly (here’s hoping). Of course, Phelps would have to put the doobie down to hold onto the book properly, and Hemsworth would have to put his shirt on. I’m realistic: No one is going to pay attention to anything else in the vicinity if those abs are out and about.

Hell, even Simon Cowell could tell me how “dreadful” my work is, just as long as he’s seen skimming through the pages of it. Because that seems to be one of the sure-fire ways to get ahead in the business world: have a celebrity endorse your product. But unfortunately, I don’t know any famous people, other than myself, of course. After all, I did star in that one local commercial and yet-to-be-released (thanks be to Jesus) independent horror film.

So, until I meet an A-lister, or even a D-lister (yes, that’s you, Kim Kardashian Trashian-West) willing to promote my writing and me, I guess I’m stuck doing it myself . . . Yes, that’s your cue to go out and buy my book today!

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